dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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