Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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