I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
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I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
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No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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