The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
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Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
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Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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