Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
