I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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