see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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