I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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