that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
