All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
