Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
