I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
