I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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