I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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