You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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