who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
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