She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
