I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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