great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
