I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
