Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
