My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
