There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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