so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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