I'm jealous of your bromance
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
