I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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