i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
