I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
