im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
