Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
