Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
