Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
