I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
