I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
