It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
