I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she peed on how many people?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
don't judge my taste in strippers
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
