Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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