The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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