I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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