Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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