how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
