Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
