I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
