Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
