Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
40s are totally the cure
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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