you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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