Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
