I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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