the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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