If i come over, it means nothing
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
