My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
