I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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