Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
