I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
