I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
