this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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