Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
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I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
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Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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