I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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