I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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