Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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